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Stories, Jokes, Things that make us laugh out loud!

An old timer went to his doctor and told him he was having a little trouble with his "downstairs plumbing". So the doctor gave him a little specimen jar, and directed him to come back the next day with a sample of his "special sauce".

So the next day, the old man shows up and hands the doctor an empty jar

"I take it you had trouble getting a sample?" asks the doctor.

"Doc," says the old guy, "let me tell ya. I tried with my right hand. That didn't work, so I tried with my left hand. That didn't work either, so I got my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, she tried her left hand, she put it in her mouth. She took out her teeth and tried it that way. Nothing worked, so she went next door and got our neighbor Irene. Irene tried it with both hands, she squeezed it between her thighs, she stuck it in her armpit..."

"Wait, wait, stop!" gasped the doctor, "you went and got your neighbor involved?"

"Yeah!" says the old timer, "Not a one of us could get that daggum jar open!"
 
Dark Star said:
I checked and don't believe I saw any joke threads. The other day my Mother-in-law sent me some damn funny stuff and I thought I'd share it. I'm sure if you're like me, you get goofy shit from your friends and family that yeah, makes us laugh out loud. This bit she sent was called idiot sightings. Enjoy or not! ELast!

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason:

'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied , 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in -the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.






IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi




STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE


:p
Click to expand...
@SC what race was the salesman? Yeah.….
 
The following picture is not my mother's Chihuahua, but it is a very close approximation to the li'l girl available online. This Chihuahua has a more squished face than my mom's, and has a whiter face, but the crooked teeth and playfully vituperate snarl are virtually exactly like that of my family Chihuahua.

iu

Post automatically merged:

Another one of the same Chihuahua

iu
 
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